Legacy of Kainypoos! Blood Omen 2
by gryps incedio
Summary: Thought I'd grant Pheonix Helix's wish... This chaps not nearly as silly as the rest.
1. Hangovers and gas

_No I don't Own Kain. Do you?_

_Edios: We Do!_

_Good for you! XD_

_Um.. That applies to all chapters, k?_

_Something I have always done is contemplate Kain's reactions to various situations, and determine what I would have done differently, so here it is! Excuse if not word for word, but if I get bored with it, I'll make it go faster._

_Everything is the same, except Kain has my personality!_

_Kain, and all who care for his reputation: Oh God! No!_

_(mad laughter) _

_Oh yes!_

_note: italics is monologue. And stuff._

Legacy of Kainy-poos! Blood Omen 2 

**Chapter I: Waking up at the wrong side of the wrong bed!**

_From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling, tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed, and left me searingly awake and, revoltingly, alive. It was then I saw her for the first time_.

"Good evening. We did not expect you to awaken so soon. Already you surprise us." She said sultrily.

_My mind was in fragments. Despite my best efforts to remember what happened to me, my only reward was my splitting headache became a little worse. I must have drunken way too much at whatever party I attended._

"Whose room is this? Oh please," Kain begged in a slurred voice as he stumbled off the luxurious bed, "tell me we did not do it."

The female vampire furrowed her brow. She shrugged off this confusing question. "I am Umah, and I am here to"

"—bother me. Yes I know." Kain cringed, for he knew what was to come.

Umah eyed Kain curiously. "…help you. Know that you are Kain, and you were once a power in the land. But you were defeated, struck down by a more powerful foe."

"Woop-tee-doo. Who beat the snot out of me?" Kain demanded.

Umah led Kain out to the balcony to better illustrate what she was about to explain. "The Sarafan, a fanatic group of humans bend on the eradication of the vampires, led by the Sarafan Lord." While she rambles on about those idiots, her hand creeps very close to Kain's backside.

Kain pulled away from Umah with a look of annoyance. "Did you just totally try to touch my ass?"

"NO!" Umah shrieked, shocked. She then continued rambling on about the Cabal and stuff, yadda, yadda, yadda… and Kain having to face unsurmountable dangers!

Kain rushed his face very close to hers menacingly. "I don't care for any dangers! See? I am totally in your face! I could contract MONO! But I don't care! Direct me to the Sarafan Lord; I shall have him traumatized within the hour."

Umah pushed Kain out of her face. "Such arrogance. And psychosis." Once again, she ranted on and on about stuff no one really cares about.

Finally, Kain and the authoress had enough. "Silence, woman! I don't care who you are or what you do as long as I get to screw up that Sarafan Lord loser guy! Aaakkk!" Kain doubled forward gripping his abdomen as Umah caught him, to keep him on his feet.

_My head spun; my body ached; weakness overcame me._

Kain looked up furiously at the female vampire. "See, look what you did!" he roared. "You got me so mad, you gave me gas!"

Umah shook her head. "You have the Thirst upon you. Vampires don't get gas." She led Kain to the door. "Come Vampire, it is time for you to feed."

"YAY!"

_Hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it_.

_Kain: (sniffle) you make me sad._

_Take it like a man!_


	2. House Training the Kain

**The Legacy of Kainy-poos! Blood Omen 2 **

**Chapter II: House Training the Kain**

Umah led the fallen general down a dank alley and hopped upon a roof.

"This is the Slums," she informed as sultry as vampirically possible. "The oldest and most decrepit part of Meridian; a perfect place to train you."

Kain glared up at her. "Train me? Do you take me for a dog?" He crossed his arms over his bare chest. "I assure you, Umah; I am quite house broken!"

She stared in incredulity.

"What," he demanded angrily. "You do not believe me?" With an angry snoot, he stamped his foot. "I _could_ leave my wastes anywhere; I'm just polite. Watch me refrain from taking a dump out here in the alley!" He stood there unmoving for a few moments. "See? I'm holding it quite well!"

Umah decided just to let it go. "Join me up here Kain by use of these ledges." She walked further upon the roof, out of his sight.

He easily scaled the roof and once again stared angrily at the female vampire. "Now I am unable to figure out how to _jump_?"

Umah ignored the accusation, and continued her lesson, explaining the vampiric hover and how it will be useful in teaching him how to kill.

_She would soon discover I needed little training in how to kill. Of course if she had just stuck with me whilst I treaded down this disgusting alley, in which I regret not defacating,she would have noticed I had slaughtered the four Average Joes who happened to cross my path._

"Now follow me."

Some time passed as the two young vampires journeyed through the streets of Meridian, leaving death, destruction, and a bit of excrement in their wake.


	3. A mugging gone awry

The Legacy of Kainy-poos! Blood Omen 2 Chapter ii: A mugging gone awry 

Kain sighed heavily. Surely Umah had to be the most annoying vampire in existence. Normally he did not care for such things, since living with Vorador had taught him how to deftly disregard almost anything, yet she was far too large to ignore. How dare she! Speaking to him as if he were a child; "teaching" him how to use _his _Dark Gifts! Yet, there really was nothing he could do – well, he could kill her, but she just ran off into the night … once again. Maybe she suspects. Oh well.

Kain strode dejectedly into the mist of the graveyard, becoming as such, wondering why graveyards always seemed to have mist, despite it being no where else. Yet, there was some promise of entertainment in this action – that is, becoming mist, not pondering on stupid thoughts; not too far away, he noticed a mugging in progress. He decided to approach, and casually ran a pallor hand through his ashen hair as he and an unknown human innocent listened to the overly tattooed man with a spiky club.

"Give me all yer money," he slurred in a British drawl. Kain slipped behind him as the poor innocent cowered at the waving club.

Smiling and from behind, Kain ripped his hand straight through the mugger's rib cage. He gurgled slightly as Kain's bloody hands let fall the poor man's heart to the soil. The innocent, eyes wide with fear, gawked as the organ performed its last bit of fidgeting a few feet in front of him.

Kain leaned close to the mugger's ear. "I think you dropped something important, and no, it's not your wallet." The mugger collapsed to the ground and promptly died as our hero took his weapon.

The innocent ran screaming. But, fortunately for Kain, the people of Meridian are retarded and he only ran a few yards away, still within eyeshot of the carnage.

Shaking his head and chuckling darkly, Kain advanced upon the unsuspecting human. Once again behind his prey, he gripped the club like a baseball bat.

"It's the World Series, and only one batter left for the Vampires," he announced in his best radio personality voice. The human became quite confused at this moment, wondering who was talking, what was the World Series, and why it would require cookie dough. "Here's the pitch."

Kain knocked the man's head clean off his shoulders and it sailed through the sky, over the walls of the graveyard. "Right out of the park!" he gleefully exclaimed. "The Vampires win the Series!" Alternating between jumping and doing a little jig, Kain celebrated his victory. "Vae Victus! Vae viro cui fuste in cape percutitur!"

Meanwhile as Kain rejoiced, became bored, and moved on, the head glided through the air at blinding speeds. It continued in its journey for some time, swooping and soaring and barrel-rolling amongst the clouds like a trick pilot, until finally losing momentum against gravity. Then it plummeted to the city below, much like a jet in a tailspin.

In the streets below, Kain battled a Sarafan knight. He was having a bit of a difficult time, with the knight breaking his knife making him cry like a little girl and complain about the knight being mean, leaving him quite open for attack. Yet before the knight could deliver a serious blow to the young vampire, a large object crashed down upon him.

Kain blinked.

_What was that?_

He wildly looked around at the heavens above.

_Shit falling from the sky trying to kill me, now?_

His first investigations of the crater left by the object showed nothing unusual. It was 3'x3' and mostly occupied with the knight's corpse. But hold! Kain blinked twice. Where what should have been the Sarafan's head now was some poor, vaguely familiar innocent's. His eyes grew wide with wonder at the sudden realization what had just happened.

He stood pristine in the streets of Meridian, one foot upon the corpse, his hands at his hips. With the most satisfied, gallant, and victorious expression upon his face, he spoke only one word:

"Pawned."

_Kain: Wow! I owned!_

_Hee, hee! I know! Hey guys! Did you catch my joke? Batter? Cookie Dough? Eh?_

_Kain: (silence) They don't seem to be going for it._

_Kain: Oh, and for you poor people who are unfortunately incapable of speaking Latin, let me clue you in on what was said, and thus, bring you within the "in" crowd._

_Please do Kain!_

_Kain: nods Vae Victus is my famous phrase, meaning "suffering" or "woe to the conquered". Depending on which Latin dictionary you use. If you did not know that phrase is my catch phrase, I'll have to kill you._

_Quite. Although you pronounce it in the Church style. (why WICK – toos is correct, but not as intimidating.)_

_Kain: Indeed. Vae viro cui fuste in cape percutitor (why WEE – roh COO – ee FOOS – teh een CAH – peh PER – COO – tee – tor) means "suffering" or "woe to the man who is hit in the head with a club". 'Nuff said._

_Plane. (PLAH – neh Quite)_

_Kain: Vero. (WEH – roh Indeed)_


	4. Kain is special

The Legacy of Kainy-poos! Blood Omen 2 Chapter iv: Kain is "special" 

Our beloved hero followed the trashy female vampire through the streets. She led him to a strangely glowing box with a handle. Kain, easily distracted by shiny objects and being a born lever-puller anyway, decided this was one lever that must be pulled.

Before satisfying his lust of flicking switches, he murdered some poor shmuck that happened to be in the general area. After all, he may try to ruin Kain's happiness by triggering the handle all for himself; plus, he just liked killing people.

With a fulfilled grin upon his continence, he yanked on the lever, activating the Gylph for another lever. Kain couldn't believe his luck! He happily pattered to the newly discovered switch and jerked it to its "on" position.

Umah, who had been watching him from a small outcropping of a nearby wall, made an approving sound. "Well done."

Kain let out a haughty snort. "_Now_ I am too _retarded_ to flick a _switch?_!"

She desperately needed some time away from him; thus, she explained the market that lay ahead and her soon to be absence.

"And where are you going?" Kain asked sultrily. He gaped at his tone of voice.

_Oh no! Her prostitute ways are incorporating themselves into mine consciousness! ILLA CANA! She must be away from me, for the good of all that is manly!_

"I am going to scout ahead," she innocently lied, "to make sure you do not run into any Sarafan patrols. You are not ready for them yet."

Kain jabbed a suspicious finger at Umah. "How trusting of you to leave me to my own devices," he sneered. "Like this penny." Kain stared at the little copper coin with the most mystified expression he could manage.

Umah rubbed her temples; she was developing a migraine.

"Consider it an act of 'good will'."

She removed herself from her agitation through teleportation.

_Kain: I'm sorry, was I speaking Latin again? smiles_

_Oh baby, yes you were!_

_Kain: 0.o!_

_ahem! Sorry. But it's so beautiful!_

_Kain: And not me, huh? Y-Y _

_I noticed you had a "suspicious finger"._

_Kain: Yeah. Ever since that car accident …_

0.o!

_Kain: (awkward silence) Illa cana (EEL – lah CAH – Nah) means "that female dog". I leave you to infer what I meant._

_Hee, hee! Quod imbecillus! (KWOHD EEM – be – SEEL – oos)_

_Kain: TACE! (TAH – keh)_


	5. Faustus got implants!

**The Legacy of Kainy-poos! Blood Omen 2**

**Chapter v: Faustus got implants!**

Kain, our intrepid hero, last seen trudging through the human filth of the Slums, the Den, and, much to his dismay, the sewers, finally found himself in an underground Sarafan complex. He did what he does best to all humans who in their misfortune crossed his path. Finally, he arrived to a cylindrical room with grating on the floor. Looking around as the door he used to enter closed behind him, he discovered on the catwalk someone he found quite familiar.

"So, our master was correct; You are alive."

_It was Faustus. One of my lieutenants. Blah, blah, blah… Gonna kill'em._

The betraying vampire jumped down from the catwalk to join Kain on the grating. Both men raised their defenses for the impending battle.

It was then Kain took notice of _THEM_.

"Faustus!" Kain exclaimed, eyes wide with surprise. "Did you get implants!" He jabbed a finger in the direction of the other's chest. Kain could not help but stare at the bulging orbs that pulled Faustus's coat tight across him. "I always knew you 'liked the boobie', " he said, making the quotation marks with his fingers, "but … wow. I am taken aback, dude. And just to think you have betrayed your fellow vampires, a breasted man! How many Faustus? How many met their end by your hands?"

He harrumphed vainly. "What is our kind? In serving the Sarafan I have protection, I have power!" Faustus haughtily wrapped his arms around his new prize and snorted at Kain. "And what is it any of your business what I do on my own time! Why should I care for those who are destined to die? History is written by the winners, Kain. I have no remorse for them, and I will have none for you!"

He threw open his arms in his attack stance, causing his chest to bounce. Kain put his hands to his hips, threw back his head, and chuckled. "I am sorry Faustus, I cannot possibly take you serious with those jiggling about!"

While Kain spoke, Faustus charged him. At his final word, he landed a solid kick to our hero's precious head.

WHACK!

"Ahhhh!" he whined in pain. "You little bastard!" There was only one thing for Kain to do. He aggressively put his hands in front of him. "Feel the power of my Fury," he evilly smiled, "or, how I like to call it—" he raised his flattened hand above his head, "—THE BITCH SLAP OF DOOM!"

BLAM!

Kain slammed the back of his hand across Faustus's face with a punishing force. The adversary vampire rocketed to the grating, landing harshly against the metal. He looked up at Kain, with what seemed like tears in his eyes.

Kain laughed at this pathetic sight. "Where's my money, bitch?" he cackled. Faustus painfully brought himself to his feet. Patting the dust off of his coat, the turned with an evil smirk. He would have his revenge. Or so he thought.

"I have a surprise for you, Kain!"

Eyes wide, Kain followed close behind the vampire. "Really?" he excitedly chattered. "Is it a puppy?" Then, laughing to himself, "Or is it my money?" He giggled all the way into the next room.

This was a drastic change from the last room. This place had a huge floor space, and the ceiling looked to be three stories up, with hooks and chains dangling precariously from the rafters. Along the four walls were gigantic machines, possibly boilers. Faustus leaped atop on such machine, and drew out a contraption. "Catch, Kain!" he taunted, as the contraption produced a sort of bottle, almost like a Molotov, hurtling it at our hero.

Kain did not move. He watched as the bottle sailed towards him. Faustus smiled. He could not believe Kain was actually going to allow this to hit him! The bottle continued in its journey, and just before it slammed against his body, Kain shot out a hand and snatched it from the air. To create the most inertia behind it, he spun around as he threw it back at the flabbergasted vampire atop the boiler. "mozzeltoff!" he called as he sent it hurtling back to its source.

It slammed into Faustus, setting him ablaze. He threw himself down off the boiler, screaming at the top of his lungs and desperately trying to pat the flames out. "AH! GAH! AH! AH!"

"Stop, drop, and roll, dude."

Unfortunately with all his screaming, Faustus did not hear Kain's great words of wisdom, and after some time, he cooked. Kain stared dumbfounded at him as he continued to blaze, slumped haphazardly on the floor.

"Well, I guess I have to put him out." Kain stomped out the last of the fire. He sighed heavily. "Guess I better take the Uber-jump from him." Kain did his thing and took the stupid vampire's Dark Gift, and left him be in the room; soon, he found the entrance to the Smuggler's tunnel, and into the Lower City.

There, much to Kain's dismay, Umah had been waiting for him. "You have proved your ingenuity in navigating the Smuggler's Tunnel. Now it is time for you to meet the leader of the Cabal."

"Ah, yes," Kain sarcastically leered. "The mysterious leader. Perhaps now you shall impart who he is?"

"I shall not name him here, for secrecy's sake, but you will meet him soon. Search for the Blue Lady Curious and-"

"La, la, la!" Kain screamed out, not wanting to hear any more. "Just leave and let me kill people; I'll find my way there!"

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Kain: Wow. That was rude. Cutting people off…_

_Well I got tired of writing about her._

_Kain: Ok. (just remembering something) Oh yes! To the very fair and wonderful Varyssa: Thank you for your time in reviewing, and I'm glad you think me traumatizing people is funny!_

_Plane! My First! My Beloved First! You have made me quite possibly the happiest person alive that day you reviewed! Not only did you like my writing, but also, I got inducted into the Navy, all on the same day! YAAAAAAAYYYY!_

_Kain: You're military?_

_Yep! I'm a sailor:)_

_Kain: What is that going to do for your relationship with me? (sob!)_

_Well, I'll have to live 8 weeks without killing someone, which is totally going to be tough. But I will have a week of leave before my A-school, so I'm gonna game almost non-stop then!_

_Kain: So you still love me:-)_

_Of course! I like to consider myself a part of your Army of the Night! Well, Navy anyway._

_Kain: I see._

_So thank you, Fair and Beautiful Varyssa. GO Navy!_


	6. Sanctuary

_Thought I'd pick this one up again._

_Kain: Dear God; and when I thought my pain was over..._

_Oh, and to answer that review from Moephius..._

_u know, for a guy who has studied Latin for a "long time", u don't seem to realise there are actually 4 different, yet completely correct, ways of pronouncing the language!!!! Believe it or not, I've studied it too, and i have chosen to pronounce it as the dialect used during the time of Julius Caesar (reconstructed ancient roman); instead of the dialect you're using, which is probably the drab Roman Catholic. Which is alright, just don't make it sound like everyone else is wrong. And mentioning that 'virgin' is Latin based (virgo) doesn't mean a darn thing, since around 75 percent of the English language is based off Latin anyway, many words being the actual Latin word (such as focus), just horribly mispronounced! You should do your research._

_Kain: 0.o! Calm down._

_Sorry to get angry, but you really annoyed me. I mean, jeez, I leave this story alone and come back to it, getting one nice new review, and another that insults me? Dang!_

_Kain sounds like he uses the Northern Continental Europe dialect, btw!_

_italics is musings_

_ok, enough of that..._

**Chapter vi: Sancuary**

Kain opened the door to the Blue Lady Curious silently, not wanting to alert the neighbors of this place or its inhabitance. It has been an annoying day, with idiot guards and stupid block puzzles, but at least that slip of a girl was no longer accosting him round every corner. He closed the rotten wood door of the derelect building behind him with a bang, rattling the jars and bottles on the shelves in the baazzar. He turned to the dusty counter and wares in front of him. What a truly ghastly place! As he took in his surroundings, he could not help but notice the gaping hole in the wall near the furthest corner. As Kain took a few steps foward, stepping softly as to not alert any possible enemies, he learned it was not just any hole, but the dark yawning mouth of a tunnel. Not being the one to shirk sating his curiousity, he shrugged and began walking down the declining cave.

The pale vampire did not walk very far from the entrance when the tunnel veered sharply right, with the light of torches flickering beyond. He tightened his grip on his "borrowed" longsword, preparing himself for anything. Kain stepped into the soft lighting and was instantly suprised. The room he stepped into was stone and mortar, the high vaulted ceilings stretching high above and petite pillars with wrought-iron sconces every square twenty feet. It was definately the most beautiful structure this young Scion has seen in Meridian so far! Upon paying more attention to what was in the room and not the cavernous room itself, he realised there were three figures at the end of the room watching him.

Kain strode forward in his brash and arrogant way, his boots clicking on the smoothened stone slabs, not too concerned whom these people may be. As he neared, the taller figure lifted a hand and two sconces behind lit, revealing the identities of the three shadows. The Scion had no trouble recognizing them as vampires, two males and a female. The two in front being the obvious fledgelings of the one in the rear, began to back away as he approached, seeking the protection of the proximity of their sire.

Finally face to face with the obvious leader, Kain finally got a really good look at him and gasped in suprise. This man was dressed very finely, but what really caught his eye was his green skin and big cat-like ears. Kain's face immediately split into a wide grin.

"Kitty!" he screamed merrily as he threw himself upon the green vampire, lovingly squeezing said vampire's head to his bosum.

"Ack! Kain!" the vampire protested, struggling to free himself from the younger man. "Stop hugging my head!"

Finally, he managed to pry himself from Kain, and he adjusted his maroon greatcoat. Kain just stared at him like he was the most adorable thing in the world.

The green vampire's fledgelings crowded around their sire, asking him if he was okay. "I am well," he spoke as he brushed away their concerned touches. "It's not like he's never done that before."

After a few minutes of everyone just staring at each other, the green vampire pipes up, "You know me not?"

Kain put a clawed hand to his chin and began to ponder. Did he know this man? He did seem awfully familiar somehow, like they had met before in some forgotten setting. Yes! The younger vampire snapped his fingers in realization. "Of course, my dear kitty!" he smiled, resting his hands on his hips. "You are Beauford!"

"No! Try again."

"Um...Guy L'Ambardo?"

"Who?"

"Beauford?"

"You already said that."

Kain pouted. "Well, there are alot of vampires. Give us a hint!"

The elder vampire crossed his arms. "I'm the green one."

_Vorador. The reformed sado-hedonist of Termogent Forest. I had met him once before in his new role of patriarch. I still knew not to trust him._

"Ah, yes," Kain drawled, feigning respect. "Who but the father of vampires would lead the resistance? I am honoured, Vorador."

"I need no false courtesies from _you_, Kain. We are allies only by necessity," Vorador spat. "But... You are welcome to Sanctuary."

"Like a woman's mensus, welcomed or not, I'll come anyway." Kain began to circle around them, the fledgelings never letting him leave their sight, as Vorador stood his ground, unfettered. "It has not the splendour of your former castle, but I suppose it will have to do."

"It serves." Vorador uncrossed his arms, preparing for the grueling task of making Kain care. "But time is short. The Sarafan's power grows by the day. Soon our every haven will be destroyed. We are facing extinction once again."

Kain was unimpressed. "They thought once before they had destroyed us, yet you proved them wrong. You propagated like a rabbit and created a new race - something I could never do - and from that race, I had my army."

"Now we are divided-"

"And dying. Then rouse yourself. Make more of our kind! I mean you've got all those wives, why not put them to good use?"

Vorador crossed his arms once again. "I probably would, if you hadn't killed them all!"

Insert Blood Omen flashback here. "Heh! Oh, yeah!"

Vorador continued, "It takes time and energy to create a vampire. I have not the strength."

Kain gave a concerned glance to the aged vampire. "Impotence?"

If looks could kill, Vorador would have hacked the pale vampire to pieces by now. "No, as Umah told you, we must kill the Sarafan Lord. When he is dead, their power will crumble." Vorador smiled. "You have come far already, Kain, and proven to be our greatest ally. We must plan our attack."

Just then, a bloody vampire with a serious limp ran in from the tunnel, dripping all over the floor, until he finally collapsed against a pillar, calling to his master. As Kain wondered what was with the gimp, Vorador approached, asking what happened, and to his dismay, he was informed his fledgeling Umah had been taken by the enemy.

"Taken?" he exclaimed in shock.

Kain harrumphed from behind, gaining the attentions of the other vampires. "That's really not suprising," he intoned, his arms crossed. "Look at the way she dresses."

Vorador decided to ignore the younger vampire's presence and comments, and asked how she could have been taken. The bloodied vampire then told his story, telling his master of their mission in the Industrial Quarter, how Umah had found something but was unable to relay what, with being captured and all, her terrible upcoming fate, and how he chickened out and ran.

Kain turned to Vorador, his mission clear. "We need her information."

The aged vampire angrily wheeled on Kain. "We need to save her _life_, Kain!"

The pale vampire huffed in annoyance. "Fine."

"Our kind cannot approach the Keep. We will be instantly discovered. You have the power to disguise your presence, but the chief entrance to the Keep is far too heavily guarded. You must speak with the Bishop of Meridian."

"A bishop?" asked Kain, raising an eyebrow in suprise. "What did you do, promise to love him forever?"

"The promise of immortality can be very persuasive for a Bishop whose faith in an afterlife is... wanting. The Bishop knows a secret entrance to the Sarafan Keep. You will find him in the Upper City. Tell him I sent you, and he will give you access to the Keep."

Kain's other eyebrow joined its twin in being raised. "And if Umah is dead when I reach her?"

"Then her discovery dies with her," Vorador said, shaking his head sadly. "And with it, our hope."

"And if I kill her?" Kain wondered, a smile now joining his raised brow.

Vorador decided to just ignore that last thought. "Go now Kain, and find the Bishop. Umah's life depends on you, as do we all!"

Then suddenly everyone disappeared, leaving Kain all alone in Sanctuary.

Kain pouted as he looked about. "Hey, where did everybody go?" he cried in lament.

* * *

_Wow. Just reread my last chapters, and I have to admit I have gone quite a ways since my high school years!_

_Kain: Telling me. At least now I'm witty as well as silly._

_Well anyway. Thought to do this since I just recently discovered Thank god!_


End file.
